Thursday, May 26, 2011

My Failed Threesome

I had an experience at work yesterday that really reminded me of why I detest women sometimes. They can be so two faced and cut throat when it comes to the things they want. I think of all the opportunistic women I deal with on a daily basis and it pisses me off. All of the women sleeping with other peoples men, breaking up families, adding to the world dilemma of baby mama drama ... all of it irks me. And the professional women who are professional hoes. They will do anything for the opportunity for upward advancement. I went to bed Pissed about so many of these women but woke up remembering how I am just as guilty. (if not more so)
A few years ago, my longest childhood friend was having her 21st birthday party. I was in Atlanta and she was in Iowa and the party was in Indiana. (Dont Ask). Her ex-boyfriend who she adores and was openly trying to work things out with was throwing the party. And me and some other friends were all crashing at his place for the weekend. How do I start a "I participated in a random sexual act with my best friend and her love interest" story? I didnt like him. I thought he treated my friend horribly. And I actually cursed him out about most of it during my first night there. However, every story has two sides. So after hearing his side of the story i was very conflicted. He seemed very genuine so I backed down and decided to get along......
I knew i was in trouble. Temptation grew at an unbelievable pace. I wanted him. It wasnt going to happen because he was clearly my friends ex. and she clearly still had feelings for him. But she had a few drinks and starting making out with him while i was still in the room. Once she pulled his package out and i saw what she was working with.... did i mention i wanted him? As she began to give him head- he pulled me towards them. I didnt actually do anything more than touching and kissing. I couldnt handle a 3 some. I kept thinking.. shes doing that wrong... I can do that better... i wanted to just tell her to move and let me do it. So when I excused myself from their make out session they felt bad and stopped. She went to sleep. I slept with her man..... twice.
I told her the next day and our friendship died instantly. I always ask myself why would i do something so stupid? Why would i risk a friendship? Why would I hurt someone like that? I think i have an understanding of how I lost control but it doesnt change the fact that I really hurt someone. I know I have grown since this experience and it wouldnt happen again. But I woke up feeling the need to confess. I used to be one of the women I hate today. But I work on myself daily. Why write about this? I think my blog started as me being open and honest about what was real whether it was pretty or not. The sun sets sometimes and darkness has its turn to rule. I think i just want to let it go and move past it.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Wet Dreams

I dont remember the last time I had sex. I remember who it was with. My married boyfriend. womp womp. But I dont actually remember the set up, the location, the positioning... did I cum? (probably not but im sure i said i did). I decided to fast for the month of April. No meat, dairy products, any food items with added sugar, no bread with yeast, no alcohol and of course no sex. So I know it was before April. The married man and I stopped talking in feb/march?
I have been refocusing on my relationship with God so I havent felt the desires or temptation as much to get it in... during the day. But I have been having the most outrageous, kinky, dreams. Embarrasing Dreams. During my Fast i had a dream involving bbq chicken wings and bleu cheese. Sauces were dripping and I literally woke up wet in real life. Wet. Yes I am admitting that I got wet from a dream about FOOD.
A more recent wet night did involve a friend of a friend. Which always makes it more awk when you seem them in person because all you are thinking is... can you do to me Half of what you did to me in my dreams... maybe its a good thing. I am showing discipline in reality but allowing my freaky side more freedom in my dreams.
I had a wet dream last night where I was giving amazing first class head. A real rockstar on my knees- type action. And I woke up wet. I mean I wasn't even the one getting any but I woke up wet like a baby alive doll or something. In my defense though this guy and I have been texting/bbming so he has been on my mind ..... and co workers of mine have asked me for tips on giving head so I think all of it combined has really attacked my dreams.
Drought= Wet Dreams.
If this drought continues ill Prolly need to buy new panties... tmi? im just saying...

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

My Boyfriend's Wife

I blame Steve Harvey.....
I had been overwhelmed by statistics and news headlines and youtube videos declaring the end as we know it to black women finding men. I listended as everyone pointed their fingers at black women saying it was because we were too picky, had too much attitude, or that we were so consumed by being Independent we didn't know how to be a part of a partnership. So I decided to try something different. The next guy that put substantial effort into getting to know me, I would give him a chance.
I looked past the fact that he had 4 kids, 2 baby mamas and a rap sheet. I looked past the fact that he drank too much and smoked illegal substances. I even looked past the fact that he wasn't sexually explorative. I bought gifts for his kids, put money in his pockets even after he quit his job. I put gas in his car and worked more hours to get "us" back on top again. I thought man.... I must be making the big headed, jackass Steve Harvey proud....
Then he told me about his wife. The one he had been married to for six years. All of the nights we shared together, Or the late night calls that lasted for hours. How could he be married? I thought of all the sex we had... how many freaky firsts we shared with each other... How could he be married? I was angry at him, sure but more than any emotion in the world i just felt Sorrow for his wife.
This woman.. who i have never met but have seen pictures of on facebook. Is a hard working woman, and the mother of 3 of his kids. She deserved so much more than the man she married. And i just feel so bad that somewhere along the line someone sat her down and told her to settle and accept the bullshit. But as sorry as i feel for the situation and the role i unknowingly played... I have to say I am grateful for the learning opportunity. I dont have to settle for shit.
Dear Steve Harvey ......kiss my ass :)

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

A Picture is worth a thousand words...or sometimes none

In a world full of email, texting, facebooking, blogging and instant chatting, its very easy to communicate with people without actually speaking to them. Technology has made it easier to reach more people while putting in bare minimum effort. This does not really bother me because with my work load and heavy sleeping schedule I find myself relying on many of these social media outlets to communicate as well. However, it is important to note that technology has its glitches.
I found myself talking to a guy- a friend of another guy friend. He was cute but not necessarily my type. On our first date, he left me alone in the restaurant to take a "smoke break". Believing that I shouldn't judge him for being a smoker I let it go. After a few minutes however I decided to go check on him only to find that he was not smoking cigarettes, but actually smoking weed. Outside the restaurant.
It is important to note that in the city of Chicago....weed is still an illegal substance. More importantly, I drove this man to the restaurant which means he had this illegal substance in my car.........

Date number 2 he tells me about how most of his money is tied up in fighting his 2nd DUI charge. I change the subject. He then looks stunned as I tell him I hadnt had sex in a few months because I have been single. He tells me that he has sex a few times a week. Now I am wondering who are these women he sleeps with so casually and am I interested in being one of those girls?

Yeah... we lost touch for a few months. Today I received a text message from him. No words just a picture. Him in a pair of shorts with his erect penis showing. Then he sent a follow up saying that he hadn't heard from me in a while so he thought he would send a picture.


Thursday, May 20, 2010

Why men Hate a Daddy's Girl

24 million children in the united states live without their biological fathers... 55% of African American children grow up in fatherless homes...

That is not me. I grew up with my daddy, in my home and I am a self - described "daddy's Girl". I can see you rolling your eyes now and giving the "sideways face" but why? There is a very negative connotation to the term "Daddy's Girl". Whenever I start the romantic roadtrip of getting to know a new guy, one of the first questions that always comes up is if I am a Daddy's Girl. Most men that I talk with are automatically turned off by this title and it normally counts as a strike against you as a woman or something that your potential partner will learn to "deal with". I have some speculations as to why.

When you say that you are a daddy's girl, the image of a spoiled brat comes up. A girl who at the flow of any tear can get her father's full attention and without any hesitation and can get him to cough up money, time or resources to solve any problem his baby girl may have. So this leaves a girl inside a woman's body, who has never learned to develop her own skills, or stand on her own feet to solve the problems of her world. Thats not me.

I have the strong father, who knew when to tell me no, knew how to push me when I didnt want to be pushed and also showed me how to take chances and risks while providing myself with backup plans. Their is a fear of the Daddy's Girl because these women have been taught by men, how real mean should treat them, and how to deal with them and what their actions really men. Real fathers act as spies to the male mind, informing their daughters of what to avoid in their relationships with men. And of course real fathers inform their daughters of their worth all the time, so that their daughters will never settle for less, believing its the best they can do. This confidence and insight to a weaker man can seem like something to avoid. Of course its harder to deal with a woman who has been raised by a great man, who has taught her her worth, and who has given her all the tools she needs to stand on her own feet. To all the men who are afraid of dating the "Daddy's Girls" out there... look in the mirror and understand why.

When a guy is turned off by my stated role as a Daddy's Girl I don't shy away from it. I want men in my life to know I have been properly trained in the sight seeing of bullshit and that I know my worth and that if all else fails in life, there will always be at least One man that I know loves me unconditionally, forever.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Dilemma of the Successful Black Woman

70% of black women are single. 42% of black women have never been married. There are 1.8 Million more black women than men. I don't even want to know the percentage of black men in prison or on the down low. When you take the time to acknowledge these numbers, and realize that for women the Higher in education she goes, the harder it is across all racial lines to find a husband... me currently pursuing my JD seems to be a nail in the coffin that is my love life.

As I watch Oprah, Dateline, and ABC televised specials... and i read Steve Harvey's Act like a lady, Think like a Man, or Jimi Izrael's the Denzel Principal.... it bcomes clear that its not just a state of mind. It is hard to find a man now a days especially if you are trying to find a black man.

Who is to blame? All the media would have you believe that black women are much like chilli from TLC, who has a long list of demands from penis size to what he must eat in order to be her man. But that isnt the case. Of course I have standards, as all women should. And I know that im worth the effort, so it becomes the dilemma of many single black women out there today... Why arent men reaching high or climbing further for those high quality apples at the top of the tree? While I know I am a quality apple at the top of the tree.. i know that gravity and age will wear an apple down and eventually ... well everything that goes up must come down right?

We shall see...

Friday, November 20, 2009

Parking lot Pimping and other Dating Fails

Chicago men are not shy. Chicago women are... not shy. In a city where the effects of the recession is very apparent, Chicago has amazed me with the ability to make the most out of nothing. Don't have money for the club? Dont have any clothes to wear? In chicago that doesnt mean you cant have that club scene atmosphere.

Only in Chicago is it common practice for teens and adults to park at different parking lots and actually post up the entire night trying to meet and holla at people. Guys will park their hoopty to ballar cars at White Castles, Wal-Greens, Jewel-Osco and other random places, blasting music and trying to holla at ladies. Oh and lets not forget to make special note that these women dress like Lil Kim designed their clothes for them. You have to see it to beileve it. Crowds bigger than inside of 5th Quarter and Necto combined in one parking lot. Theres no fee to get in and its byob.

So why was I there and how do i know about this?.........

Ive learned not to smile in Chicago. Walking down the street with a smile, is like saying to every crazy Deshawn, Tyrone and Ceasar and even Jimmy that you are interested in them.

"Dayum girl you smiling hard, let me get your number?!"
"Awww I see you like Big pappi give me yo digits so i can keep you smiling."

"Girl you smile so hard, make me wanna give you a REAL reason to smile"

Ive learned to "Mean Mug" as an attempt to be more low profile and deter local homies from trying to "get on". As you may notice my vocabulary has increased too.

The dating scene is such a major part of Chicago that this wont be my last blog about it im sure.

Well im gonna go ahead and get back to "getting it in" while yall are just "getting on" what im talking about over here.

love life