Thursday, May 26, 2011

My Failed Threesome

I had an experience at work yesterday that really reminded me of why I detest women sometimes. They can be so two faced and cut throat when it comes to the things they want. I think of all the opportunistic women I deal with on a daily basis and it pisses me off. All of the women sleeping with other peoples men, breaking up families, adding to the world dilemma of baby mama drama ... all of it irks me. And the professional women who are professional hoes. They will do anything for the opportunity for upward advancement. I went to bed Pissed about so many of these women but woke up remembering how I am just as guilty. (if not more so)
A few years ago, my longest childhood friend was having her 21st birthday party. I was in Atlanta and she was in Iowa and the party was in Indiana. (Dont Ask). Her ex-boyfriend who she adores and was openly trying to work things out with was throwing the party. And me and some other friends were all crashing at his place for the weekend. How do I start a "I participated in a random sexual act with my best friend and her love interest" story? I didnt like him. I thought he treated my friend horribly. And I actually cursed him out about most of it during my first night there. However, every story has two sides. So after hearing his side of the story i was very conflicted. He seemed very genuine so I backed down and decided to get along......
I knew i was in trouble. Temptation grew at an unbelievable pace. I wanted him. It wasnt going to happen because he was clearly my friends ex. and she clearly still had feelings for him. But she had a few drinks and starting making out with him while i was still in the room. Once she pulled his package out and i saw what she was working with.... did i mention i wanted him? As she began to give him head- he pulled me towards them. I didnt actually do anything more than touching and kissing. I couldnt handle a 3 some. I kept thinking.. shes doing that wrong... I can do that better... i wanted to just tell her to move and let me do it. So when I excused myself from their make out session they felt bad and stopped. She went to sleep. I slept with her man..... twice.
I told her the next day and our friendship died instantly. I always ask myself why would i do something so stupid? Why would i risk a friendship? Why would I hurt someone like that? I think i have an understanding of how I lost control but it doesnt change the fact that I really hurt someone. I know I have grown since this experience and it wouldnt happen again. But I woke up feeling the need to confess. I used to be one of the women I hate today. But I work on myself daily. Why write about this? I think my blog started as me being open and honest about what was real whether it was pretty or not. The sun sets sometimes and darkness has its turn to rule. I think i just want to let it go and move past it.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Wet Dreams

I dont remember the last time I had sex. I remember who it was with. My married boyfriend. womp womp. But I dont actually remember the set up, the location, the positioning... did I cum? (probably not but im sure i said i did). I decided to fast for the month of April. No meat, dairy products, any food items with added sugar, no bread with yeast, no alcohol and of course no sex. So I know it was before April. The married man and I stopped talking in feb/march?
I have been refocusing on my relationship with God so I havent felt the desires or temptation as much to get it in... during the day. But I have been having the most outrageous, kinky, dreams. Embarrasing Dreams. During my Fast i had a dream involving bbq chicken wings and bleu cheese. Sauces were dripping and I literally woke up wet in real life. Wet. Yes I am admitting that I got wet from a dream about FOOD.
A more recent wet night did involve a friend of a friend. Which always makes it more awk when you seem them in person because all you are thinking is... can you do to me Half of what you did to me in my dreams... maybe its a good thing. I am showing discipline in reality but allowing my freaky side more freedom in my dreams.
I had a wet dream last night where I was giving amazing first class head. A real rockstar on my knees- type action. And I woke up wet. I mean I wasn't even the one getting any but I woke up wet like a baby alive doll or something. In my defense though this guy and I have been texting/bbming so he has been on my mind ..... and co workers of mine have asked me for tips on giving head so I think all of it combined has really attacked my dreams.
Drought= Wet Dreams.
If this drought continues ill Prolly need to buy new panties... tmi? im just saying...

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

My Boyfriend's Wife

I blame Steve Harvey.....
I had been overwhelmed by statistics and news headlines and youtube videos declaring the end as we know it to black women finding men. I listended as everyone pointed their fingers at black women saying it was because we were too picky, had too much attitude, or that we were so consumed by being Independent we didn't know how to be a part of a partnership. So I decided to try something different. The next guy that put substantial effort into getting to know me, I would give him a chance.
I looked past the fact that he had 4 kids, 2 baby mamas and a rap sheet. I looked past the fact that he drank too much and smoked illegal substances. I even looked past the fact that he wasn't sexually explorative. I bought gifts for his kids, put money in his pockets even after he quit his job. I put gas in his car and worked more hours to get "us" back on top again. I thought man.... I must be making the big headed, jackass Steve Harvey proud....
Then he told me about his wife. The one he had been married to for six years. All of the nights we shared together, Or the late night calls that lasted for hours. How could he be married? I thought of all the sex we had... how many freaky firsts we shared with each other... How could he be married? I was angry at him, sure but more than any emotion in the world i just felt Sorrow for his wife.
This woman.. who i have never met but have seen pictures of on facebook. Is a hard working woman, and the mother of 3 of his kids. She deserved so much more than the man she married. And i just feel so bad that somewhere along the line someone sat her down and told her to settle and accept the bullshit. But as sorry as i feel for the situation and the role i unknowingly played... I have to say I am grateful for the learning opportunity. I dont have to settle for shit.
Dear Steve Harvey ......kiss my ass :)