Sunday, April 26, 2009

Avoiding the Ugly

As my undergraduate years come to a close there are some lessons I learned on my own that I wished someone would have taught me, Before I had to learn the hard way. Lately in my still newly single state of mind, I have been reflecting on my interactions with men both successful and negative. I have had a few situations that have made me greatly uncomfortable and for the first time I have decided to discuss these real life situations as a way to help others, be on the lookout. I have been in too many interactions where these issues popped up and turned it into an Ugly and Sticky situation. So here are some ways to avoid the Ugly.

The Phone:
Sometimes you meet someone and you are totally interested. You can't wait to learn more and you are excited for those new and still fresh interactions. So it is normal for a man to call you, but if that guy calls you too much this could be a serious warning sign. There have been a couple guys in my history who would call and if i didn't pick up, would hang up and call right back. Repeating this for 4-5 times. There are a number of reasons why I may not be picking up my phone, I'm at work, I'm on the phone, I am sleep or I do not want to talk to you but calling me 6 times in a row will not make me want to pick up or call you back any sooner. My logic, if I don't pick up the first time, I can't pick up the 3rd time you call because it sends the sign that it is okay for you to call me that many times in one sitting. This has been a sign that I have ignored time and time again. If this guy can't respect your time apart and give you space, it's is only a sign of more issues to come.

*Also pay attention to the tmes, that he calls, one guy would call me at 2-3 am and say, hey want to study? While I am committed to my academic endeavors, calling me at 3 in the morning to study seems shady to me and will not be received well. Just as an FYI.

Another issue with the phone, if he finds a reason to always look at your phone or tells you who is calling your phone as opposed to just giving it to you, this isn't just nosey this is a trust and insecurity issue on his end. This was a bigger issue for me because the guy I was hanging with stated he understood that we were single and allowed to do our own thing. But I constantly found myself having to keep my phone close and having to disclose who I was texting etc. Any fellas reading this and trying to approach me, understand that my phone is my business.

One friend always had a habit of touching me. He found excuses to put his hands on me whether it was to compliment the fabric of my outfit or to give me affirming body language, like a stroke of the back, a hand on my thigh, a random neck message as we sit and watch tv. All of these things can be seen as flirty and even sexy when they are welcomed exchanges. But it seems to me that guys do not know when the touching is welcomed and when it isnt. If I move away, move your hand, call you out about it and/or tell you to stop.....Why would you think its ok to continue doing so whether its that night or the next day. Pay attention to body language. Also guys, pay attention to the girls friends! If my friends are coming up and trying to distract you, or move me away or cock block there is a reason for it. Friends know when friends are feeling violated, Take the Hint.

Public and Private Spaces:
I recently started talking to a guy who would be the sweetest gentlemen when we are out and he is sober, but when he is out drinking with friends, I would get 10-15 text messeges telling me he wants to come over, and that he is waiting outside my apartment. NEVER SHOW UP TO A GIRLS APARTMENT UNINVITED. It drove me nuts that no matter what I was doing, if he was drinking he thought it was cool to sit outside and pressure me into letting him in or coming outside to talk to him.

I am single. Do not act like we are boo'd up in public. In greek circles people talk, so I for the most part (minus this blog :-) ) try to keep my business low key. This one particular greek I was talking to at the time, would always cross the line. If we are dancing and having fun he would start kissing my neck, if im talking to other guys he would put his arm around my waist, and the worst of it, he once grabbed the straps of my thong, midconversation at a party. WTF? Learn the difference between public and private spaces and respect them both.

And guys control your demeanor. Some guys are used to getting what they want, and when they can't have it there is a real ugly side to them, picky arguements, yelling and screaming out of nowhere without a just reason... these are signs that you should keep pepperspray nearby.

Sometimes I have been with a guy and for whatever reason it just didnt feel right. I try to use logic to rationalize why this is silly. But one thing I have learned is to listen to that. If a guy makes you uncomfortable, and sirens are going off in your head to back away. Trust your gut, listen to your instincts. Have faith that you are smart enough to detect some issues before they get to be too much to handle.

I understand that this was a long blog but I felt the need to really discuss this, and hopefully drop some knowledge to the clueless guys. And offer advice to some of my readers.

1 comment:

  1. "*Also pay attention to the tmes, that he calls, one guy would call me at 2-3 am and say, hey want to study? While I am committed to my academic endeavors, calling me at 3 in the morning to study seems shady to me and will not be received well. Just as an FYI."

    Damn, this usually works every time. You're giving away our trade secrets! I'm just kidding. Anyway, nice blog tho and congrats on finishing up your undergrad career.