Avoiding the Ugly

As my undergraduate years come to a close there are some lessons I learned on my own that I wished someone would have taught me, Before I had to learn the hard way. Lately in my still newly single state of mind, I have been reflecting on my interactions with men both successful and negative. I have had a few situations that have made me greatly uncomfortable and for the first time I have decided to discuss these real life situations as a way to help others, be on the lookout. I have been in too many interactions where these issues popped up and turned it into an Ugly and Sticky situation. So here are some ways to avoid the Ugly.

The Phone:
Sometimes you meet someone and you are totally interested. You can't wait to learn more and you are excited for those new and still fresh interactions. So it is normal for a man to call you, but if that guy calls you too much this could be a serious warning sign. There have been a couple guys in my history who would call and if i didn't pick up, would hang up and call right back. Repeating this for 4-5 times. There are a number of reasons why I may not be picking up my phone, I'm at work, I'm on the phone, I am sleep or I do not want to talk to you but calling me 6 times in a row will not make me want to pick up or call you back any sooner. My logic, if I don't pick up the first time, I can't pick up the 3rd time you call because it sends the sign that it is okay for you to call me that many times in one sitting. This has been a sign that I have ignored time and time again. If this guy can't respect your time apart and give you space, it's is only a sign of more issues to come.

*Also pay attention to the tmes, that he calls, one guy would call me at 2-3 am and say, hey want to study? While I am committed to my academic endeavors, calling me at 3 in the morning to study seems shady to me and will not be received well. Just as an FYI.

Another issue with the phone, if he finds a reason to always look at your phone or tells you who is calling your phone as opposed to just giving it to you, this isn't just nosey this is a trust and insecurity issue on his end. This was a bigger issue for me because the guy I was hanging with stated he understood that we were single and allowed to do our own thing. But I constantly found myself having to keep my phone close and having to disclose who I was texting etc. Any fellas reading this and trying to approach me, understand that my phone is my business.

Touching:
One friend always had a habit of touching me. He found excuses to put his hands on me whether it was to compliment the fabric of my outfit or to give me affirming body language, like a stroke of the back, a hand on my thigh, a random neck message as we sit and watch tv. All of these things can be seen as flirty and even sexy when they are welcomed exchanges. But it seems to me that guys do not know when the touching is welcomed and when it isnt. If I move away, move your hand, call you out about it and/or tell you to stop.....Why would you think its ok to continue doing so whether its that night or the next day. Pay attention to body language. Also guys, pay attention to the girls friends! If my friends are coming up and trying to distract you, or move me away or cock block there is a reason for it. Friends know when friends are feeling violated, Take the Hint.

Public and Private Spaces:
I recently started talking to a guy who would be the sweetest gentlemen when we are out and he is sober, but when he is out drinking with friends, I would get 10-15 text messeges telling me he wants to come over, and that he is waiting outside my apartment. NEVER SHOW UP TO A GIRLS APARTMENT UNINVITED. It drove me nuts that no matter what I was doing, if he was drinking he thought it was cool to sit outside and pressure me into letting him in or coming outside to talk to him.

I am single. Do not act like we are boo'd up in public. In greek circles people talk, so I for the most part (minus this blog :-) ) try to keep my business low key. This one particular greek I was talking to at the time, would always cross the line. If we are dancing and having fun he would start kissing my neck, if im talking to other guys he would put his arm around my waist, and the worst of it, he once grabbed the straps of my thong, midconversation at a party. WTF? Learn the difference between public and private spaces and respect them both.

And guys control your demeanor. Some guys are used to getting what they want, and when they can't have it there is a real ugly side to them, picky arguements, yelling and screaming out of nowhere without a just reason... these are signs that you should keep pepperspray nearby.

Instincts:
Sometimes I have been with a guy and for whatever reason it just didnt feel right. I try to use logic to rationalize why this is silly. But one thing I have learned is to listen to that. If a guy makes you uncomfortable, and sirens are going off in your head to back away. Trust your gut, listen to your instincts. Have faith that you are smart enough to detect some issues before they get to be too much to handle.

I understand that this was a long blog but I felt the need to really discuss this, and hopefully drop some knowledge to the clueless guys. And offer advice to some of my readers.

Things to know Before you Work....

I worked really hard writing papers and studying today. One step closer to graduation. Actually 2 days of class left and 2 weeks before my actual graduation, but first I have to get through these classes and finals. Because I worked hard, I felt it was my duty to play hard. I went to see one of the hottest hip hop groups in Ann Arbor hands down Cypher Affiliated.

quick plug check them out :
http://www.myspace.com/cypheraffiliated

It was at this show that I spotted my mission of the night, a cute newly greek member who I had never laid eyes on before but intended to seal the deal with him. After bold flirtyness I learned we were going to the same party after the show. Excited that things were moving along I plotted on how to gain his attention for the night. I approached him at the party, told him that Aces do it the best and that he wouldn't be able to handle me. Of course he was ready to prove me wrong right? Of course. After showing him some of my best material and putting in WORK on the dance floor, we flirted back and forth most of the night. And when I say putting in work I mean, giving him just enough to know what moves I could contribute in a more intimate and private setting while still pretending like the focus is the dancing to music and not grinding on him.

Once things started to calm down I realized he didnt even ask me for my number. I recalculated. He did express all the essential signs to show he was feeling me right? Flirty vibes...check... frisky hands....check .....direct eye contact with a matching smile.......check. So why didnt he ask for the digits? After a while I gave up, hating that I gave him my best dance floor material but at least it was a workout.

A friend of mine at the party approached him and directly asked him why he didn't step up and ask for my number. Turns out that he didnt want to hurt his girlfriend's feelings who had been at the party the whole night.

So after spending most the party spitting game and putting in Work on the dance floor, sweating out my hair and pulling a muscle getting my "Stanky Leg" on, my lesson of the night, there are some things you should know Before you go to Work.

A Real Independent Woman

As a student and soon to be graduate of the University of Michigan, I have prided myself on trying to develop myself in a way that would ensure that I would be an Independent and self reliant woman. A Soon to be law student, with my own car, career, ambitions and friends I felt like I was well on my way to being the Independent woman I envisioned. However, the last couple of weeks has taught me something, all of that is BS.

In the Peek of one of the most stressful times of my life, I've learned a couple things about myself. I need sex. Sex is this amazing experience where two people.....or more committ to satisfying each other. Its explorative, its adventurous and a great way to relieve stress. The physical and emotional release from it really encourages me to keep going. Being the Sexy superstar even if its just for a night can be just the stimulation needed to keep you going and to keep you fired up.

sigh....well when you dont have a partner that magic can't happen. Or can it? Men can resort to masturbating and so for my first official blog I will discuss the process of me trying to be the REAL independent woman, who doesnt NEED a man for anything.. not even ass.

So late at night I took out a pocket rocket (waterproof) and layed on my back. Legs apart and ready to get some. It was actually exciting thinking about the satisfaction I was about to get. I was told to buy lube, but Im naturally ...juiced up if you will so I didnt think it was necessary, but I was new to this so why the hell not? Soft music going and some of my sorority candles burning, I actually set the mood for myself. I inch the the pocket rocket in, lube in hand for back up and im ready for the ride.

After a few minutes of boredom, one of the biggest let downs this semester, I threw the pocket rocket back in the bag. The vibration just annoyed me and the lube made a mess so that I had to change my sheets. I Took a shower and placed a call to my ex-boyfriend, only to find that I interupted his date and acted as a cock block as well. I may not be a Real Independent Woman... but at least I wasnt the only woman Not getting any that night.